I’ve never celebrated Valentine. I assume that’s what people do, celebrate Valentine? I sha never have.
My earliest memory of Valentine is me in primary school. After closing hours, my friend Tunde who was skinny to a point of frailty with a large head like size five kaka and I buckled a bunch of desks together, summoned two girls Oyinkan and Blessing from downstairs and played mummy and daddy under the tables.
When my father finally came to fetch me, he saw me with dusty knees and orange turned brown uniform and asked me if I was rolling on the ground. I told him me and Tunde and Oyinkan and Blessing were playing under the table and he tapped my head real slightly and gave me a thumbs up. I smiled.
No more mummy and daddy after that, not even secondary school. When it almost happened in ss3, it got divinely botched. I say divinely because I mean it. I’m not even lying. Divine: touched by God. God destroyed my parole!
It was with Sade, who refused to have sex with me on my birthday February 3. I had bought her wine and cake on my own birthday and when we got to her house like fifteen minutes away from school, on the bed, after kissing and touching and tearing off the mufty we wore when we scaled school fence, the stupid girl said she wasn’t ready. I was like Ehn? She said yes, that she wasn’t sure she was ready to have sex yet. I told her that what did she mean? Was she mad? She wasn’t a virgin na, didn’t Seweje fuck her? Then she vexed and pushed me off her and off the bed. She started forming vex, crying and saying that she thought she was in love with Seweje when she gave him her heart and after he broke up with her and tore her heart like wrapping paper, she did not want to make that type of mistake again. I was so angry.
I sha begged and told her sorry and hugged her because I knew Valentine was only eleven days away. Then we got to school and I lied and announced to everyone at the hostel that I had finally left the land of the virgins. Technically, it wasn’t a lie because I was going to be having sex in eleven days. Then I saw Seweje and punched his face and told him what really happened because the idiot was my best friend. He laughed when I said he broke her heart and he said he battered her vagina too. I still laugh when I think about it.
Valentine came, me and her in her dark room again, and this time she was finally ready. You should have seen me. I did not even kiss her much. I just got down to business like a hungry hyena and was poking and poking and my penis did not enter. I did suck her breasts though. Because, and no one can tell me otherwise, and I’m even embarrassed I have to explain this to you because duh, sucking breasts makes you live longer. Or why else do you think God, in his infinite wisdom, packaged baby food in those mammary bags of fun? And hers were huge! Like calabashes! Nipples like glittering pearls! And we were in secondary school! So awesome! I’m sure the longer a baby sucks breasts, the stronger it’ll be. So, please, suck your girlfriend/wife’s breasts. Please. It’ll probably reduce the risk of them having breast cancer. Tell the cancer committee I said so.
Anyway, I was afraid she would change her mind so I hit my palm against the bedside drawer, scattering all her girly cosmetics looking for body cream. When I found it, I quickly unscrewed the cap and dug my hands inside to scoop some and smeared it on her vagina and rubbed it on my sheathed penis. I like that word, sheathed. Sounds like armouring yourself for war; and isn’t that just what sex is: war?
I dug my penis inside her and thrust and poked and it was so warm. It was like putting your dick inside freshly baked bread. I curved my toes and waited like thirty seconds so that I wouldn’t come prematurely.
When I felt I had gotten back to normal, but not normal enough because, come on, this was sex after all, I continued thrusting. That was when she started complaining. I’m not sure what exactly it was she said. I was in heaven, and who hears earth from there? It was like generator noise when you’re watching TV, you know it’s there, but you don’t know exactly what it sounds like.
I told her sorry and continued.
Then she pushed me off her again and I wanted to cry. They had snatched my happiness from me. Imagine a child licking pink cotton candy with a little pink tongue with its cute pink gums peeking and snatching it away from it. I was so hurt. Hurt is too small sef, let me not lie, I cried!
She was jumping and complaining that it was biting her. I was thinking my penis was a scorpion. That how would I ever enjoy sex if my penis is a scorpion that bites vaginas? Was I going to have to remain a virgin for the rest of my life? Ah! I was going to remain a virgin for the rest of my life. But we got to the sick bay and we discovered that the lubrication I had smeared on her vagina was relaxer.