True Story

That one time I attempted comedy (and C didn’t like it).

“It all started when Prostitute Peju began working for Rich Raymond. Rich Raymond had always stayed faithful to his wife, but one look at Prostitute Peju and all of his resolve easily dissolved. Prostitute Peju had walked into his fourth floor office, stepping off the elevator to the glaring eyes of undeserving men. Prostitute Peju had come seeking a job she had seen advertised on one of the very many job websites on the internet. Of course, she didn’t have the sufficient qualifications, but her apparent beauty was enough to sway any jury in her favour. One look upon her exposed lustrous thighs and full breasts and Rich Raymond could not resist. Innocent him fell prey to the master of the game.

Faithful Funmi had heard from neighbours  that her lovely husband, Rich Raymond, was now a regular at the hotel close to Jekingboro bus stop. Of course, she didn’t believe them, she trusted Rich Raymond totally and he could do nothing to betray her trust in him. Faithful Funmi may not be the prettiest woman out there, but Rich Raymond was contented with what he had at home. Faithful Funmi might be fat, with sagging breast, and a wide, calabash like bottom, but Rich Raymond had always preferred a little bit of flesh on his women. Sure, Faithful Funmi wasn’t this fat when they got married twenty-something years ago, but Rich Raymond had never complained. Well, to be honest, he did complain when she started putting on weight, but he had now gotten used to her size, accepting that it was going nowhere. She liked it. He was okay with it. He had no reason to cheat on her when she pounded Yam and turned Amala for him everyday. After all, everyone knows the way to man’s heart is his stomach.

Nosey Ngozi had called Faithful Funmi from Adesqu Hotels, the same big grey one at Jekingboro bus stop that everyone knew catered to pot-bellied rich men and their indecorous desires. Nosey Ngozi had just seen Rich Raymond walk into the bar area with his very indecently dressed personal assistant, Prostitute Peju, and had run into the toilet to make the phone call. This was, according to her, because she had Faithful Funmi’s best interest at heart.
Faithful Funmi did not ask what Nosey Ngozi was doing at Adesqu Hotels. Of course, being the faithful wife she was, she didn’t even believe at first. But after Nosey Ngozi gave a very accurate description of what Rich Raymond was wearing, the blue agbada she had had the hardworking houseboy, Ardent Audu, iron the previous night, she had no option but to go inspect. Faithful Funmi was however sure Rich Raymond had a perfectly reasonable explanation for his visit to such an uncomely habitation. It was while Faithful Funmi was on her way, trying to think of possible excuses for Rich Raymond that she got hit by a careless trailer driver and lost her life. Faithful Funmi’s death was sourly mourned by everyone on the street.

After Faithful Funmi’s untimely death, Prostitute Peju had full reign of Rich Raymond’s house. Prostitute Peju came and went as she pleased, always dressed scantily and revealingly, oppressing women and seducing men. Prostitute Peju was such a tyrant, teasing young male children and introducing innocent and impressionable young girls to her rather inauspicious ways. Wives would glare openly at Prostitute Peju while their husbands would attempt to look away with their should-be-private body parts standing at attention anytime she walked on their street.

It was on one of Prostitute Peju’s visits to Rich Raymond’s home the very unfortunate incident occurred. Prostitute Peju had walked into their home like the queen of the sun, no doubt dressed in her rags, and seduced the very youthful only son and child of Rich Raymond and Faithful Funmi, Timid Tade.
Prostitute Peju and Timid Tade were doing the indecent deed when Rich Raymond walked in on them. Prostitute Peju, always leaving destruction in her wake manipulated Timid Tade into killing his father, Rich Raymond, by smashing their very beautiful and expensive bought-at-an-auction vase on his old head. Rich Raymond fell, further hitting his head on the recently polished marble floor, and died instantly.”

The crowd begins to murmur rather loudly as the story ends.
“Order! Order!” the court bailiff shouts.
“And you’re sure this is what happened?” the prosecuting lawyer says to the witness.
“Yes, sir.”
“No more questions, My Lord.”

The defence counsel approaches the witness.
“How did you come about this story?”
“Gossip Georgina heard it from Lying Layo, who said Tricky Tolu had heard it from Honest Hosea, and told it to Forgetful Faustina who told it to her.”
“So Gossip Georgina told it to you, Hateful Halima.”
“Yes sir, Gossip Georgina told it to me.”
“No more questions, Your Honour.”

“If you keep this up I would not think twice in emptying this courtroom,” the judge laments as the crowd murmurs loudly, again.

“The defence calls its first witness, Honest Hosea.”
The judge’s eyes darts around the room as if daring anyone to make a sound as Honest Hosea walks towards the witness stand. Honest Hosea, with prickly ears that seem like they hear everything and piercing eyes that look like they see even more, approaches the stand and sits rather majestically, the court deafeningly silent like everyone is in awe of him as he swears the usual oath.

“You are Honest Hosea?”
“Yes, sir.”
And you told Tricky Tolu this story?
“No, sir, not this story.”
“I will empty this court if I have to,” the Judge shouts to the crowd as they begin to murmur audibly a Honest Hosea’s retort. He faces Honest Hosea, “Continue, good man.”
Hateful Halima has her facts wrong. The only correct statement she made was that the story originated from my mouth.”
“And you have the correct facts?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Can we have them?”

“It honestly began when Prim Peju started working for Randy Raymond. Prim Peju is truthfully as curvaceous as they say, with beauty that isn’t matched by anyone in the office. She had come looking for a job and Randy Raymond had given it to her without even looking at her résumé. You see, Randy Raymond is as ruttish as they come. Pot bellied, with perpetually sweaty and smelly armpits. Randy Raymond loved his women like his tummy, round and curvy. Prim Peju fulfilled all the features Randy Raymond desired in a woman, and she was now pretty and fair like the setting sun, who was he to resist this God given gift?
Prim Peju, being the naive and innocent sapling that she is, had no idea what was being prepared for her.

Fighter Funmi was the street Jackie Chan. She would often huff and puff down the street, holding on to her loosely tied wrapper, screaming at the top of her lungs to anyone who cared to listen that their husband snatching ways should not be extended to her husband, and she was aware they were all conniving, wife and husbands alike, to take her rich husband away from her. Her husband was a faithful man, and no juju from their dirty and ratchet umunna was strong enough to take him away from her. Fighter Funmi could not extend her kung fu ways to Randy Raymond’s office, only because the first and only time she had tried it, he had smiled and begged her to stop in the office, but had shown her Bruce Lee was stronger than Jackie Chan, and beaten her mercilessly in their home later that night.
Still, Fighter Funmi was a local champion, and was allowed to rule the streets, and rule the streets she did with the wrath of a thousand suns.

Nitwit Ngozi had truly called Fighter Funmi from the hotel. But the scantily dressed harlot she saw with Randy Raymond wasn’t his personal assistant, Prim Peju, but his shiny new secretary Seducer Shalewa. The two looked nothing alike, but give an idiot two bottles of stout and half a round of awful sex, and she is bound to see someone else’s face on someone else’s body. Of course, Fighter Funmi had come running. She hadn’t even concluded the conversation before she took to the wheels and began driving to the hotel. Fighter Funmi was still speaking to Nitwit Ngozi, who was trying incoherently to describe what Randy Raymond was wearing, when she rammed unconsciously into a parked trailer. The entire street attended her funeral, only to make certain she was dead, and they rejoiced when she was put six feet under, with children tying wrappers loosely, and waddling their little feet down the street pointing fingers, mimicking Fighter Funmi on one of her several episodes.

Seducing Shalewa was the one who took reign of the house after Fighter Funmi died. She had to mark her territory, get familiar with her new abode. However, Randy Raymond had had his fill with her now very-loose vagina, and sent her packing not too long after. He was going to get Prim Peju to bed, on or against her wishes.

Randy Raymond devised a fool-proof plan. He sent Prim Peju to go get the documents for the big deal they were to sign later that afternoon, in his upstairs bedroom. “No problem, sir,” Prim Peju said, as naive as a common cold.
Prim Peju was let in by Randy Raymond’s son, Terrible Tade, who was too old to still be staying in his parents’ house. He led her into his father’s room, and easily overpowered and took advantage of her. It was during this exercise that Randy Raymond walked in, and Terrible Tade, in his terrible terribleness, picked up the expensive bought-at-an-auction figurine, and smashed it on his father’s head. This, my lord, is the true story.”

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