Of Shortening Rations And Slying Guys

They say no man is an island and I fully understand. I mean, to be sincere, no one is self-sufficient, we all need friends.
If you’re an avid reader of my articles, you would find that I am (was actually) a loner, not that I do not have friends, I do, just a few.

Growing up, I had just two of them and we shared everything! Both the “sayables” and the “unspeakables”, then the eggheads grew up and went ahead to make new friends, ugh! Like I was not enough *rolls eyes*

I was reading a blog recently (dirtydisgraceng.blogspot.co.uk for those of us who enjoy gossip) where a group of friends are having their secrets leaked to the world by someone who is evidently an insider. That is the problem with friends, as long as we are human, we can never know the ones true to us, a yoruba adage says “It is who we love that we know, we do not know those who love us”. There have been instances (from movies now) where a person would pretend to be a friend of another just to syphon off information from the other person or just to snatch his/her girlfriend/boyfriend (see glee).

Asides the back stabbing and all, people’s nature also come into consideration, one of my favourite tweeps tweeted “Tell one girl and she tells another”, I personally believe that girls, due to their fragile heart cannot help not keeping their wide mouths shut! They must talk. Tell a girl your deepest secret and she’ll tell her best friend, when the girl and the best friend have a row, the best friend goes “And that her stupid boyfriend that has stolen ₦10,000 before”, next thing you know, everyone in school is talking about how you are a thief all because your girlfriend could not keep her mouth shut (no, this did not happen to me in case you were wondering).

I’ve always held the opinion that the more friends you have, the more lies you tell. I hate lies. Where your friend who stays in the school hostel wants to bring one of his girlfriends to your room overnight to sleep with her and you are so tired you just want to sleep on your own bed, knowing that is not a good enough reason to “sly” your friend, you tell him you have a project due the next morning and you have to type it overnight (this also did not happen to me :D).

And the money aspect, hian! “Let us buy gala” which actually translates to “Idiot buy gala for us”, “Buy coke for me nah”, “Make we shaye tonight nah oga”, “You get 2H for hand? I no get change”. And they NEVER return your money! Shortening one’s ration of food too.

Don’t get me wrong though, I am for friends, they have saved my asses countless times, I know I can never go hungry when I’m broke because I always have a friend to run to, I can not get stranded in school overnight because there is always a friend who would “shift” for me to sleep, I love them, I would do anything for them (except let them bang a girl in my room overnight without letting me in on the action).

The truth like I said is that no one is self sufficient, we all need someone to talk to, to gossip with when PHCN “takes light”, we should however tread with caution because even Peter denied Christ thrice.

The Damned Routine

I must warn you that this post is going to be long compared to others that I’ve written, that’s just cause I’m feeling really crappy, listening to sad songs and trying to just write away my feelings.

   Life is usually monotonous yeah? I mean, we usually have everything planned out for us, from primary school to secondary school to the university, and then we go for youth service, then we start working, earn six – eight figures, and then we get married, give birth, then our children start the miserable routine all over again while we whither and die. That’s how it usually is nah, shey?
   They how come I have absolutely no idea where my life is headed, not one! Do I go for the youth service or go for my masters? And after that what next sef? And do I really want to be an Estate Surveyor and Valuer? HAHA! It was all my father’s idea not mine. Is this all? Is this all life has to offer? I have absolutely no idea, I don’t want to “get a job” because it’s next on the list, I want to get a job when I feel like! Why can’t I continue living with my very accommodating father? He won’t mind.

   You see, I am considered weird in some factions, because, well, I’m kinda different, I think I am, ’cause I’ve heard my friends having normal conversations with other people and it sounds nothing like a “normal” conversation with me, so maybe it’s ’cause I’m different……….. kinda.

   So maybe that’s why these strange thoughts are passing through my head, I’m one of those people who wants to make a living doing what they love, but I’m not a writer, I mean, I write, I love writing, some people claim I’m good at it even though I do not think so, but that doesn’t necessarily make me a writer. I’ve read blogs, articles and all kinda stuffs and I’ve seen real writers write while I read and get goose bumps all over, I’m pretty sure no one gets goose bumps reading any of my works, and besides, I don’t use all the big words, satires and other stuffs real writers use, so yes, I clearly don’t have a future in writing.
     I want to work at a radio station, I love that, sounds fun yeah? And I hear it’s really lucrative now, you just ask Toolz and N6, and I speak English fluently and I also listen to music like crazy, problem is, well, so do hundreds of other people with more “americanized” voices and way better nicknames, I mean, I may speak fluent English, but certainly not “americanized”, and I hate parties! God! I feel really uncomfortable around strangers, really, I’m a chronic loner. So that’s it, that’s all, what else do I love doing? Dancing? Haha! Let’s not even go there.

      And MARRIAGE! That’s next in line yeah? That’s what we usually do after securing a good job, haha! Marriage!
Let me just clarify before I continue, It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage, I do, I mean, I’m a good christian & a very spiritual one at that, the problem however is what the society has turned the concept of marriage into, you see, like I stated earlier, I’m a loner, a chronic one, I absolutely love being alone, I hate stress! The problem with marriage is simple…… Women nag, a lot, most of you will deny that you don’t, but considering that I’ve had two mothers, a big mummy, and several aunts, I know better, and I hate being nagged. Besides, the concept of sticking to one person for the rest of my surely-to-be-very-long life? AHHHH! E hard small!!! I’m not promiscuous, oh no, I’ve done that thing fewer times than the number of goals Torres has scored in Chelsea, but it just sounds so damn difficult, I want children tho, plenty, I love children, and no, I’m not a paedophile.
   Another problem is, I don’t want to grow old, no, I don’t want to live forever “perhaps the best news I’ve heard about life is that it ends” (thanks Sam), yes I want to live long, very long! But I don’t want to grow old, I don’t want to have wrinkles, lose my close to perfect hearing abilities, my already rapidly-declining eyesight,  I want to be young forever, not forever, just for the rest of my life.

     So yes, you see my predicament, my “issues”, what’s on my mind. But I’m almost certain we all have the same issues, that we all have something like this going through our minds, and we’ll just do what everyone else has been doing about it, NOTHING! We’ll just follow the damned routine.

My Neighbour The Manwhore

    I’m not really a fan of topics like this, I really am not, but I’ve been challenged to write something “serious” and this is the only thing that comes to mind.
   You see, I sometimes come off as one of those religion freaks (maybe I am), I know some eejits I call friends would be laughing their insane asses off right now because I can really be, to use a religious word, “carnal”. Well, maybe I really am carnal, but who cares anyway, that’s not why we are here. To borrow what a wise friend was said (yes, you Samsudeen) “isn’t it funny how religion manages to spread enough hate and not nearly enough love” (edited that a little because I’m wiser :D).
       Okay, so religions preach Love yea? I mean, Christianity certainly does, as a matter of fact, that’s what we’ve been talking about in my fellowship for the past month or so, so I was surprised when a certain head of a particular notable Christian Association in Nigeria actually suggested that Christians should retaliate rather than sitting ducks to the recent Boko Haram attacks which a certain hat wearing clueless mufu leading our dear old country has refused to do anything about, that’s for another day. What happened to turning the other cheek?What happened to praying for our enemies like Jesus taught?
     Anyways, I was talking to my Muslim friends the other day (I happen to have a lot of them) and they told me about how the Quaran talks about love and accepting you neighbor’s beliefs and all that and I just don’t seem to get the reason for the attacks, but that’s not why you jobless people are reading this, I’m here to talk about religion not politics, sorry to digress……….. I lied, I’m not sorry, die!
      They also taught me very recently in fellowship that one thing I must have in common with my friends is my God, so I thought to myself, does that mean I have to dump all my friends? Cos like I said, an awful bunch of them are Muslims, and 70% of the ones left are just “church-goers”, I mean, what happened to the golden rule? What happened to love your neighbor as yourself? So I shouldn’t love my neighbor if my neighbor is a Muslim? I shouldn’t love him because he’s a man-whore? (KC that’s your sub). I don’t get it.
         But it’s religion, most of us do not anyway, and those who do probably aren’t perfect either. But I just want to serve my God, I just want to have fun doing it, I just want to love my friends.

Student + Dying = Studying

ALL CHARACTERS IN THIS ARTICLE ARE FICTITIOUS, AND ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL……… Yeah Right!

I’m a student (durhh), I hate school (double durhhh).
Yayy that was funny.
I’m sorry, I’m silly, I know.

     Yes! 99% of us hate school, very much, classes at least if not the school itself. And the remaining 1%? Well…… they’re dead.
       I personally hate school an awful lot (I use “awful lot” an awful lot don’t you think), no I’m not lazy, I mean, okay maybe I am, but that’s not why, from Primary to Secondary to this damned shithole called a University.
         I had mad fun in primary school, I don’t remember any of it tho so I’ll just move on. But it’s me, I must have had mad ass fun, pretty sure I would have hated it anyways ’cause it’s school (triple durhhhh).
        Secondary school *sighs* MAD FUN!!!!! Had the craziest friends ever, did the craziest things, (I’ll fill you guys in one day don’t worry). Thing is, amidst all the “mad fun”, I still hated it, why? My teachers were angels from hell! They used to flog the living daylights out of me, and I wasn’t stubborn oo, oh no, *dusts halo*, they were just mean and enjoyed beating me sha :(. And those seniors too, with all their lie down fat, belt whipping, floor scrubbing, courtyard sweeping, morning duty, frog jumping, pole climbing punishments, *sighs*, sad memories, I hated them! And one used to make me wash his boxers!!! Imagine! that’s equal to violation! Isn’t it worse than being anally raped? Now you see why I’m so awkward. :(.
       And the king of the pain-in-the-butt routine…. University! And I went to add sand sand to my garri by choosing O.A.U., SAD!
       I got in happily in part1, thought it was like secondary school so I didn’t read the O.A.U. way, (my roommates for reasons best known to them would disagree with that last statement), I didn’t even know how about GP (yes, my elder ones are plain evil and didn’t care enough to orientate me) I don’t have to tell you that I messed up majorly, oh no, I didn’t fail :p (HAYTAHH!). Then second semester came, started reading like crazy, and guess what, results became worse! (still didn’t fail tho, :p I still haven’t till now, hooorbii), one would have expected I reaped the fruit of my labor, yeah right, isn’t it O.A.U? I have friends who have hd extra since part2 (purely fictitious oo remember, please don’t punch me if you think this is about you, it’s a coincidence, I’m sorry).
       On a serious note, it isn’t just my school, some people’s secondary school were way worse than mine, some were abused for real (yes, my friends and I are that damaged) (shhh, fictitious). Heard a dude committed suicide in UNIBEN, one tried to drink Hypo after failing UTME in O.A.U predegree, even a friend of mine was contemplating suicide here in O.A.U.
       But it’s school for Christ’s sakes, not that it should be fun or anything but it definitely shouldn’t be this much of a burden, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be serious or anything but we all watch foreign movies, we see how college is over there, why is it so hard over here? Who says we can’t learn and have fun doing it? We are young, we just want to  have fun while we still can, have the time of our lives, is that too much to ask for?

That Four Lettered Demon

There is this joke that has been tweeted over a million times on twitter, it goes “The Human brain is one of the most efficient machines made, it works right from when we are born to the point where we fall in Love”.

Growing up, I did not believe in love, although, I realise now that the issue was that I didn’t really understand the concept. It is difficult to understand how a human could turn into a complete moron all because he/she is attracted to someone else, complete bullocks!

In a “conventional” Nigerian home, love rarely exists between a couple. Like, where the marriage was fixed between two affluent families, where a man has four wives, or even where one was instructed by a Pastor/Alfa to marry a particular man/woman because God said so. As a typical Nigerian boy (who dips his bread in tea), my eyes had been open to circumstances such as these and love seemed like a farce which existed only in books just like the idea of a perfect market.

Becoming a born again Christian, I was made to believe that God is love, and for one to believe in God, you had to believe in love, the latter was a subset of the former, and to accept the existence of the first, you had no option but to accept the other too. That was when I came up with the theory that love – just like perfection – was a feat only achievable by God, hence, the Calvaric tales.

Growing up and making friends, I finally accepted the existence of love and the foolishness it caused. Love is a disease. I did this, not because I wanted to, but because I had no choice but to blame the so many “supernatural” occurrences that had occurred on that four-lettered demon. No, just in case you were wondering, I have not felt the mushy-yucky thing, not yet. But, I have watched my friends suffer from the disease, a friend is unable to concentrate in school because her ex (who she’s still in love with but cannot be with because he’s moved to another city) is totally ignoring her and telling her that there can be nothing between them anymore. Another is devastated and sad because his girlfriend who I like to refer to as the school hoe (behind his back of course) dumped him. One is considering to kiss and make up with a boyfriend who not only cheated on her but lied about so many other things and “badmouths” his “G’s”. I do not want to believe that these friends who display intelligence in so many other aspects of life just happen to be dummies when it comes to relationships, I blame it on love, that devil!

What’s worse is that, I secretly (not much of a secret now) have a craving for this disease (forget that I’m hypochondriac), like, I want to suffer badly from it, I want to go on my knees and beg when I’m broken up with, I want to be in a boring class and be thinking of someone else, I want to feel like death all because I have not talked to someone all day.

My friends say I’m too cynical to fall in love, they say I’ll keep on second guessing and treading softly in every relationship I go into and I will not be able to fall completely in love. But what do we know? We are just a bunch of inexperienced youths (and teenagers) trying to figure out the essence of life and knows nothing about love.